A letter for my past self

EXCLUSIVE: Taylor Swift leaves a photoshoot in New York City Dear Jean from five years ago,

I hate you.

You were just a little child back then. Innocent, naive, stupid. You believed in everything that you heard. You trusted every single person that you met. You were scared of breaking the rules, of monsters and ghosts, of causing trouble, of fiery creatures living beneath you.

You were a coward. You tried so hard to fit in. You hid yourself in layers and layers of your fake image–scared of being rejected once you reveal your true self.

I hate you.

I hate how you thought that the world is an expensive snow globe; sparkling, beautiful and white. I hate how you detached yourself from reading about dragons and unicorns and giants in exchange of glossy and colorful magazines that your ‘friends’ read at that time.I hate how you convinced yourself to like someone, anyone that you don’t just because all of the people around you were romantically involved.

I hate how you forgot to value your parents’ hard-earned money. I hate how you wished for nonsensical things. I hate how boastful and bold you became because you thought that your so-called friends would always be there beside you.

I hate you.

Each and every part of you. From your veins to your muscles to your bones and skin. I hate you and I don’t.

You were a painful memory. You reminded me of betrayals, mistakes, stupid choices and disappointments.Whenever I think of you, the first thing that comes to my mind are the hours that I spent crying when I first heard my father being ashamed of me. I think of the unbearable pain from my chest, of not being able to breathe properly and of my shameful wish of not waking up ever again.

But sometimes, I think of you and I remember the me who wasn’t careful. The me who smiles at everyone. The me who can easily trust people. The me who thought that the world was a wonderful place, that life was an exhilarating adventure. The me without these countless walls. The me without these chains. The me without these demons inside my head.

To Jean from five years ago,

I miss you.

Thank you.

And farewell.

Sincerely, your present self

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