Rant #2: Living with fats and other things

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I can’t remember exactly when I first started gaining too much weight. As far as I could remember, I’ve been the fat girl with eyeglasses since fifth grade.  That was exactly seven years ago and honestly, I wasn’t even that fat before. I remember getting a “normal” result on my BMI during my first year in high school so I’m sure that my body then is not, technically fat. Still, I was bigger than most of the girls in school (and I wear eyeglasses) so it didn’t stop my classmates for making fun of me.

Luckily, I didn’t feel like a complete trash because I have a very loving family. Sure, my Mom would often convince me to lose weight but she doesn’t tell me to do it to be pretty. What she would do is give me a list of illnesses that fat people often get. She never made me feel ugly because of my weight and I love her for that. But what’s done is done, I already had zero confidence by the time I reached 12. I felt so ugly then and not having any kind of fashion sense didn’t help at all. 

Nevertheless, I wasn’t bullied. At least not physically. Mentally? Well, let’s just say they did get into my head and made me think of ugly thoughts. But everyone experiences that. It’s one of the shitty things that life offers. Through the years, I made a really-bad-if-you-think-thoroughly-about-it-but-really-effective-way of shutting people up whenever they insult my weight or my friend’s or family’s. It’s easy and I think everyone have done this twice in their entire life. Yeah, you guessed it right! Sarcasm. Ah, the answer to all of my problems. But seriously, this helped me in so many ways; though it’s not actually healthy to be sarcastic all the time.

Anyway, I use sarcasm whenever some stupid person tries to be funny by shaming me in front of people. But it gets tiring sometimes and when those moments happen, I just choose not to reply or pretend that I don’t care which are both very pathetic if you ask me. The thing is, it’s hard whenever the people I care about steps over the line. Don’t get me wrong, I know how to handle jokes but a lot of times it feels like they’re just rubbing salt on my wound. I especially get really freaking angry whenever some “friend” of my Mom’s would insult us in front of her. (My sisters and I are of the same size.) I mean it’s one thing to insult us but to do that in front of her?! It’s way, way more than rude. My mother isn’t lacking any motherhood skills just because her daughters are fat! And to even tell her how ugly and fat she thinks we are. Like she’s some royalty that we should care about what she thinks. Seriously, people like this needs to STOP. Just stop and think before you say anything. Just please.

I’m not going to lie, I dislike my body sometimes. But those days doesn’t occur frequently. A lot of times, I just don’t pay attention. Or forget to pay attention. I know how important it is to have a healthy body and I’ve tried so many times to lose weight but unfortunately my laziness always wins. Whenever these things happen, I would punish myself for days. Still, I have good days. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I actually like what I see. I like myself. My face, my body–everything. During this rare moments, I feel beautiful. And I feel like I can post a picture of me in social media without even stressing if I look good enough. Or even wear a dress or a skirt outside. Those kind of days were my favorite because they make me feel good and happy.

But that’s not how I should live my life; I know that now. I shouldn’t foolishly wait for those moments to come. I should take the initiative to make those moments to happen to me everyday. This month, I decided to really, seriously, and officially lose weight. I decided that I would do this for myself. Not for my parents, not for beauty, not for my friends or relatives and certainly not for the assholes who have embarrassed me for being fat. No. I’m doing this for myself. Because I am so done with waiting for something good to happen. So I’m doing the good thing once and for all.

So fats, I’m sorry but I have to let all of you go now. It’s been a hell of a ride with you and even though I constantly try to keep you a secret, please know that I’ve enjoyed my life with all of you. Lol. Haha. Kidding aside, I know that this is going to be hard and painful but I am willing to undergo all of that. I’m a strong girl after all.

P.S.

To all of the people out there who are struggling with their body, just remember that: Everyone is more than their body. So hang on tight and keep holding on, okay? 🙂

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