A letter for my past self

EXCLUSIVE: Taylor Swift leaves a photoshoot in New York City Dear Jean from five years ago,

I hate you.

You were just a little child back then. Innocent, naive, stupid. You believed in everything that you heard. You trusted every single person that you met. You were scared of breaking the rules, of monsters and ghosts, of causing trouble, of fiery creatures living beneath you.

You were a coward. You tried so hard to fit in. You hid yourself in layers and layers of your fake image–scared of being rejected once you reveal your true self.

I hate you.

I hate how you thought that the world is an expensive snow globe; sparkling, beautiful and white. I hate how you detached yourself from reading about dragons and unicorns and giants in exchange of glossy and colorful magazines that your ‘friends’ read at that time.I hate how you convinced yourself to like someone, anyone that you don’t just because all of the people around you were romantically involved.

I hate how you forgot to value your parents’ hard-earned money. I hate how you wished for nonsensical things. I hate how boastful and bold you became because you thought that your so-called friends would always be there beside you.

I hate you.

Each and every part of you. From your veins to your muscles to your bones and skin. I hate you and I don’t.

You were a painful memory. You reminded me of betrayals, mistakes, stupid choices and disappointments.Whenever I think of you, the first thing that comes to my mind are the hours that I spent crying when I first heard my father being ashamed of me. I think of the unbearable pain from my chest, of not being able to breathe properly and of my shameful wish of not waking up ever again.

But sometimes, I think of you and I remember the me who wasn’t careful. The me who smiles at everyone. The me who can easily trust people. The me who thought that the world was a wonderful place, that life was an exhilarating adventure. The me without these countless walls. The me without these chains. The me without these demons inside my head.

To Jean from five years ago,

I miss you.

Thank you.

And farewell.

Sincerely, your present self

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Goodnight…goodbye

Via tumblr. All rights reserved.

Via tumblr. All rights reserved.

People often say that if something keeps on slipping away from your grasp no matter how hard you hold on, it’s not meant to be–that you should just walk away and forget about that something.

Maybe, people are right. Maybe things like destiny and fate are real. Maybe, you and me cannot exist as one. Maybe this is really the end of our story. And maybe, people don’t always need closure. Maybe a simple proof is fine. And I got my proof, didn’t I?

I have imagined that very moment in my mind for a countless times. I have memorized my lines, practiced my smile. I have created numerous endings for our “reunion” yet… none of those happened. I arrived too late. You left too early. Even more, you said goodbye without even looking at me.

And after hours of crying and wondering, I realized that that is my proof. That a closure between you and me isn’t going to happen, ever. I realized that even if I’m not okay with that, even if it is totally unfair on my behalf, I should just learn to accept it. I should move on. The past isn’t welcoming me back, so why in the world should I stay there?!

So to the boy who have left me with an infinite supply of what ifs, to the boy who I have loved unknowingly, to the boy who have changed me…goodnight and goodbye.

Days, Hours, Minutes and Seconds

985 days

That’s how long our infinity lasted.

Like a fool, I pretended that expiration dates doesn’t exist.

 

20 hours

That’s how long we spent talking to each other every day.

Like a fool, I babbled on. Not wanting it to stop.

Not wanting you to stop.

 

15 minutes

That’s how fast I fell in love.

Like a fool, I didn’t realize how painful the jump would be. I just did it.

And I fell. I fell so damn hard.

 

10 seconds

That’s how fast you walked away from my life.

Like a fool, I didn’t stop you from walking into hers. I just watched you turn your back.

From everything. From me.

 

1 second

That’s how fast I said the word “goodbye”

And, that’s also how fast she turned you down.

Goodbye

Goodbye…

 

To all the regrets.

To all the doubts.

To all the what ifs.

To all the sleepless nights.

To all the sad love songs.

To all the unsent letters.

To all the pain.

To all the joy.

To all the memories.

 

Goodbye.

 

To the person that have haunted my memories.

To the person that made me feel things that I don’t want to feel.

To my biggest regret.

 

 

 

Goodbye.