Honest Notes VOL. 1: I found happiness in the South

HN 1Honest Notes are a collection of random pieces that I write on moments that overwhelms my heart. This is the first part of this series which I wrote during my recent trip with my family in the province of Batangas (hence, South). The past few months have been a difficult struggle of trying to keep my mental health in check which is why the said trip was important to me. Before leaving home, I was actually hoping to find some peace of mind and a bit of happiness along the way and I’m truly grateful for stumbling upon it on this humble trip.

(P.S. All the photos below are taken by me except for the two photos of myself which was taken by my sister) 

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Things I Need to Say Today

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I’m sorry. I miss you and I wish you were here. It’s the most basic thing to say but it’s the truest thing that ever came out of my quivering lips.

I’m sorry. I miss you and I wish you were here. September’s gone and so are your smiles—like the branches being carried away by the river’s rage…you have packed them all away.

I’m sorry. I miss you and I wish you were here. I heard the song you used to sing today and I kept on hitting replay; it is as if you’re going to come back if I listen to it one more time, one more time.

I’m sorry. I miss you and I wish you were here. I can still remember the day I saw you crying alone in the hallway—I approached you and hugged you and I told you that if you’ll be happier if you leave the organization, do it. Those words are still haunting me until today.

I’m sorry. I miss you and I wish you were here. There are days when I feel so damn guilty for breathing. It is as if I have already lost my right to live ever since the darkness took you away.

I’m sorry. I miss you and I wish you were here. I’m building a castle of nightmares founded with what ifs. I’m building an ocean where no sails could be lost and forgotten. I’m building a life without your warmth and embrace.

I’m sorry. I miss you and I wish you were here. I know yours were the most painful “see you again” that will ever escape my quivering lips.

Dear XX

From Younha's single. All rights reserved.

From Younha’s single. All rights reserved.

Closure

noun.

1. A sense of resolution or conclusion.

 

You. A single word. A rose among the thorns. A snowflake among the ashes. A warmth among the cold. You.

My friends always asked me about the thing that I love the most when it comes to you. And I would always say; “His words. His stories. The way he can talk about anything. The way he tells me every single thing that he did in a day, no matter how stupid it was.”

It’s true. That is really the reason why I started loving you. And it took me a long time to realize that that was also the reason why you left.

“One-sided relationships do not work.” I’ve learned that now.

All those years, all those moments when we were together– never did I once told you about me. I thought, what’s to say? You knew me already. But I was wrong.

All this time, I wondered why you left. Why you just threw away everything that we had. Why you left me hanging. I never realized that I was looking for answers in the wrong direction.

I’ve been searching for closure for so long and now, I think I found it.