My 2014 in Quotes

My year-end song: Hero by Family of The Year

Two days from now, another year will start and I just want to look back to everything that I have learned, experienced and realized this year. Let me guide you to my 2014 through these quotes.

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1. “Because then maybe she’d realize, if only for a split second that even though the world doesn’t matter to her, she matters to the world.” -David Levithan, Every Day

-This year made me realize that I am important even though I repeatedly convince myself that I am not. I have learned that I can touch people’s hearts, that I can be a part of their lives. That I am not just. I am someone. And this someone, matters.

2. “I guess I’m sorry is a way to say I want it to be better. Even if it’s difficult. Even if it hurts.” -David Levithan and Rachel Cohn, Naomi and Ely’s No Kiss List

-Saying I’m sorry sincerely was the one thing I cannot do. Especially when I truly need to say it. It’s one of my level five diseases and I struggled so hard to get rid of it. This time, I finally succeeded.

3. “We always see our worst selves. Our most vulnerable selves. We need someone else to get close enough to tell us we’re wrong. Someone we trust.” -David Levithan and Rachel Cohn, Naomi and Ely’s No Kiss List

-I am made of walls. Thick, indestructible walls. Only a few people can enter them and because of that, I found it hard to connect with people. Whenever someone tries to know me in a deeper level, I put my walls up. But this year, I tried to open it bit by bit. I told myself to trust those people, to relax and let them get to know me. It wasn’t that hard, after all.

4. “I think a lot of people want to be someone but we are scared that if we try, we won’t be as good as everyone imagines we could be.” -Ava Dellaira, Love Letters To The Dead

-I fear disappointments. I fear the look in people’s eyes when they realize that you are not what they think you are. I wish I could say, “To hell with people. I don’t care about their judgments.” But I do. I do care about what they think of me. But at the same time, I don’t want to be just an imagination. I don’t want to be just a thought. I want to be someone. I want people to really know me. To know that I am just like them, that I am also filled with flaws, that I also make stupid decisions, and that I also have limitations.

5. “So maybe when we can say things, when we can write the words, when we can express how it feels, we aren’t so helpless. Maybe when we can tell the stories, however bad they are, we don’t belong to them anymore. They become ours.” -Ava Dellaira, Love Letters to the Dead

-Most of the time, I keep to myself. I never really like telling people stuff even if I am friends with them. But Ava Dellaira is right, when we tell people about our stories, those stories become ours–no matter how powerful those stories are. Sure, you’ll feel vulnerable but that’s alright. At least, you can get rid of the heavy feeling in your chest.

6. “Life doesn’t have to be so planned. Just roll with it and let it happen.” -Jenny Han, To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before

-I always wonder why fate screws up with my plans every time. Then I realized that sometimes, you just need to let things happen. That you don’t have to be so cautious all the time, that you must meet with the moment not plan your way through it.

7. “Becoming fearless isn’t the point. That’s impossible. It’s learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it.” -Veronica Roth, Divergent

-Growing up, people will tell you how to not be afraid. How to be fearless. But you cannot really be afraid of nothing. There will always be something that will scare you and that’s okay because we are made to be afraid of things. That’s how we learn how to be brave. That’s how we discover courage.

8. “Dreams are only dreams until you wake up and make them real.” -Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind of a Funny Story

-No one’s going to make my dreams happen. No one’s going to flick his or her wand and make my dreams come true. I must do it myself.I must take the steps into making my dream a reality. It would be a hard and confusing road. But it’s a road that I am willing to take.

9. “I have to say that although it broke my heart, I was, and still am, glad I was there.” -Markus Zusak, The Book Thief

-A lot of not so good things happened this year and although all they left me were ugly scars, I am still glad that those things occurred. It’s a bit cliche, but if not for those things, I wouldn’t be this strong. These scars are my trophy. They are my daily reminder that I have survived a very difficult battle.

10. “Don’t cling to things because everything is impermanent.” -Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie

-Cling to words, to moments, to memories, to infinities, to feelings–to people. Cling to them because most of the time, these things could stay forever.

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Aaaand, that’s it. I really don’t know how to end this post. Lol. Thank you for being a part of my 2014. See you next year! 🙂

Dear XX

From Younha's single. All rights reserved.

From Younha’s single. All rights reserved.

Closure

noun.

1. A sense of resolution or conclusion.

 

You. A single word. A rose among the thorns. A snowflake among the ashes. A warmth among the cold. You.

My friends always asked me about the thing that I love the most when it comes to you. And I would always say; “His words. His stories. The way he can talk about anything. The way he tells me every single thing that he did in a day, no matter how stupid it was.”

It’s true. That is really the reason why I started loving you. And it took me a long time to realize that that was also the reason why you left.

“One-sided relationships do not work.” I’ve learned that now.

All those years, all those moments when we were together– never did I once told you about me. I thought, what’s to say? You knew me already. But I was wrong.

All this time, I wondered why you left. Why you just threw away everything that we had. Why you left me hanging. I never realized that I was looking for answers in the wrong direction.

I’ve been searching for closure for so long and now, I think I found it.